What is TMTB?
TMTB is a band of comrades, whose singular mission is combating cyclo-fascism and tearing up singletrack worldwide. Combining a distaste for elitist groupthink with adjustable suspension, TMTB members come together to share an appreciation for mountain biking, the beauty of nature, and spirited discussion.
Why am I here?
That's a very good question... Are we even in the Googles? Maybe we show up in Bing? Regardless, you likely ended up here by accident, as only a select few would visit this site on a regular basis, and that, in and of itself, is a dubious claim.
This site is home to some photography, pointless creative writing, and, most importantly, countless esoteric references. We don't sell merchandise, solicit membership, or mine Bitcoin. We don't host articles, periodicals, recipes, travel advice, fake news, or even dank memes. It's highly arguable whether this website does anything useful at all, aside from serve as a tax write-off for its owners.
So, to revisit the original question, why are you here?
What can TMTB do for me?
"If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you give him a mountain bike, he will go and complain about someone else's singletrack."
That wise, age-old adage really has nothing to do with anything relevant.
Getting together under the TMTB banner, a group of like-minded non-conformists are able to gather and enjoy a common interest. We aren't the first people to do this, but we encourage others to emulate this type of activity. So what can TMTB do for you? Hopefully, bring you to the realization that you are reading some obscure website, rather than doing something fun or useful. If this jarring revelation hits you and you get together with some like-minded people and do something kick-ass, we have succeeded.
In the Beginning, there was TMTB
Topton, a neolithic settlement located in present-day Pennsylvania, is the origin of the founding members. Until recently, archaeological details about Topton have been limited. However most scholars agree that the settlement contained a largely homogeneous population. Sediment and fossil samples indicate that the inhabitants of Topton suffered from malnutrition, inbreeding, and the caustic effects of their local Superfund site. Excavations have found primitive dwellings and structures, as well as an intact penitentiary, submerged and perfectly preserved in a nearby sinkhole.
Topton had proved to be of little archaeological interest until a group of local junkies inadvertently excavated a cave while searching for their stash. After being made aware of its existence, archaeologists entered the cave and discovered dozens of ancient paintings on the walls. These paintings depicted hellfire from the sky, numerous triangles, and powerful, god-like individuals. Researchers were stunned by the collective imagery, but were most perturbed by the illustrations of the demigods. Between their legs were Giant... bicycles. Evidence of TMTB had finally been discovered.
A flurry of archaeological excavations, geological research, and talking to Nickeck has since illuminated many of the mysteries of TMTB.
Due largely to political correctness, tolerance, and other shortcomings engendered by what researchers now believe to be the progenitor of the "liberal media", Topton experienced a wave of illegal immigration and a softening of traditional closed-mindedness and racism. As a result, immigrants from distant settlements, such as Lehigh County, migrated to Topton. In short order, these migrants took previously non-existent middle-class jobs away from the locals and refused to engage in local custom by adorning their property with pickup trucks, sofas, and cans of Natty Lite. To make matters worse, they seemingly flaunted their alien culture by creating offspring with diverse combinations of chromosomes. The line in the sand had been crossed. The details surrounding the following period of conflict are little-known, even to those as all-knowing as Nickeck. What is known is that there were very few survivors on both sides. Naturally, this reduction in the gene pool favored the natives of Topton, and over time, genetic homogeneity, provincialism, and racism returned prominence.
What the natives didn't expect is represented by the maxim "only the strong survive". From the ashes of defeat, the lone survivors of Topton's migrants banded together to exact a guerrilla campaign of vengeance on their provincial stomping grounds. Striking fast and hard from the hills, riding alien metallic devices later referred to as bicycles, TMTB fought their foes visciously by disregarding bourgeoisie property and teaching the locals to read. Finding allies and sympathizers, such as Nickeck and the underground soccer cousins of Deka, TMTB scored one victory after another. Over time, bourgeoisie property was reclaimed by the Revolution and re-purposed as mountain biking trails. Locals gained the ability to read and some began to enter courtships with individuals who were more than three generations removed. TMTB had succeeded in its subversive campaign. Unrelated to TMTB's victory, Topton was soon subject to utter cataclysm by Nickeck, who, in a fit of rage, demolished all semblances of civilization. Topton had been buried beneath the rubble, but TMTB survived and continued throughout the millennia.
In the Old Testament story of Exodus, God gave unto Moses two stone tablets containing divine edicts that became known as the Ten Commandments. These divine decrees became the foundation of the modern monotheisms that were derived from the Old Testament.
Millenia later, history repeated itself. One summer day in 2010, the members of TMTB ascended Mount Lehigh, searching for wisdom, divine revelation, and a renewed license to bitch about the university's cross-country mountain bike course. When they descended, they were carrying two depleted uranium tablets, inscribed with the defining edicts of TMTB.
While TMTB collectively works towards anarchy, it eventually became clear that the edicts scribed upon those tablets were reflective of the TMTB mentality. There was also some suspicion that the depleted uranium was causing radiation poisoning. These commandments were adopted into the core ethos of TMTB, ushering in a new era of prosperity. Shortly thereafter, the uranium tablets were buried next to Nickeck's swimming pool.
These commandments exist as a guiding light for those who otherwise cycle throughout the world without a moral compass. All praise to be to TMTB.
Thou shall have no ambiguously-deified graphic designers before Nickeck
Nickeck is a primordial force. He is benevolent. He is stern. He is a mumbler.
Thou shall not engage in idolatry related to individuals or brands
We don't care about the brand of shifters you use. Lay off the poser shit and ride.
Thou shall be cool to other cyclists and not be a tool
Don't act like a roadie. Be polite and courteous to other riders. Share beer when possible.
Thou shall observe the Sabbath during hunting season and not get shot
Avoid treacherous gunfire and embellish yourself with orange. Do not wear your antler helmet.
Thou shall frequently take the name of Bear Creek in vain
Bear Creek's trails were placed on this Earth to test one's resolve. And they do.
Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's bike
Unless you have some kinky bike swap thing going. Then, by all means...
Thou shall ride it like thy stole it
Because if you did, the Man will be right behind you!
Thou shall not steal, unless it is from the Man
He who collects taxes should be taxed.
Thou shall only discuss content when bikes are in motion
The transference of sacred wisdom is best done while the bikes are moving at great velocity.
Thou shall find the seediest clubs possible
And when you have to pay a cover, refuse to leave, no matter how much glitter there ends up being.
We help each other with these things.
Strip Mania? That sounds like the Costco of strip clubs.
There's porn on Tumblr?!?!
If you were half the man my wife is, you'd get out of the car!
You're so good with women, Dank.
Are you Julio's cousin? Yeah, my friend steals his wifi. We should hook up.
The park is always closed on game day!
She's a bad wingman. She's like baking cookies with a fat kid...
Hey, who are you?
Nick... I like that name.
So, I met this dominatrix at a unicycle festival...
Life is a series of failures, followed by turning off SELinux
If there's one thing fglrx has taught me, it's that it probably isn't my fault.
Yo, eff the cyber police!
The singletrack was designed by angry lesbians that want to punish me for being a man.
I saw a bunch of roadies, decked out with aerobars, disk wheels, and skinsuits. Man, they were pissed when the guy in a beater on a mountain bike passed them.
C++ is the New Jersey of programming languages
Computers can't divide by the number of f%#&s I give!
In Newark, you wake up and find out that you've been stabbed.
Yeah, she invited you to the beach while you were buying a pool noodle for bike jousting!
...and you think everything is fine and normal until the furries burst in.
Our friendship underwent an extraordinary test today and I want you to know that, after twenty-some years, I still chose you, Nickeck.
Oh, isn't that cute? So you came here, expecting me to beg for your forgiveness?
That's not what we stand for... What do we stand for?
I recommended that this woman go running on Lehigh's singletrack. Does that make me a bad person?
Eh, my credit's good with you... said me... because that's how lending works...
I could go for some bi(ke)sexual action.
I can't go from zero to Wolfenstein
That works out because I'm part-Serbian.
Great, so you can talk to them about... whatever you Serbs do...
So, talk about genocide?
I'm an irrationally angry asshole, which makes me go to the gym and lift like an asshole, which floods my body with more testosterone, which makes me an even more irrationally angry asshole.
Is that guy walking a gopher?
He's got a wait problem! He just can't wait to eat!
Nickeck: Bitcoin Millionaire
I was really diggin' these chicks until one of them whipped out a selfie stick.
Well, well, well... If it isn't Nickeck and the Arab Mr. Clean...
Who sponsors me? TMTB, that's who. What about you? You race for Team Sellout?
I had my butterknife confiscated by the New Jersey Department of Justice.
TMTB is a religious non-profit. We make no profit, religiously!
Hey girl, I heard you like cheese...
You think that's bad? My friend got kicked out of Spain for 7 years!
I met his girlfriend, or as I like to call her, "Thy Neighbor's Wife"
No one sees Nickeck, just a swiftly-moving backhand.
When I thought about how many Bitcoins it would take to keep me out of prision, I realized it was something I shouldn't do.
He Amtrak'ed my train of thought!
I realized that he was seconds away from an extremely violent and painful death at the hands of Nickeck and the thought of the impending violence was really exciting!
What's an "NSA relationship"? Is that where you wiretap each other and take turns violating the other's 4th Amendment rights?
I'd rather be alone with nothing but the worst German dungeon porn imaginable than have to live like that...
TMTB: We're like the friggin' Post Office.
So they left to go have the threesome. I'm in the bathroom at the Bud Light Hotel. Needless to say, I wasn't invited along.
I don't creep on Facebook, I just use Bing.
The guy showed up with a beater bike with no suspension and a kickstand. I realized that there is a difference between someone that mountain bikes and someone that rides a mountain bike...
I'm like Frontier: I don't handle baggage.
Data science is just statistics for hipsters
I encrypted all of my files so that the Man wouldn't get into them. And it worked! I can't get into any of them now!
I don't want my son falling in love with him again. And sure enough, he did!
She disqualified herself... said us.
Should you feel the sudden urge to contact us, you are free to do so. While we would be unable to fathom why on earth you would actually want to send us email, we will welcome comments, suggestions, compliments, and Bitcoins. As will more realistically be the case, bots and spammers are welcome to explore /dev/null. Nickeck has identified you and is going to physically reach through a Tor node to take your Bitcoins.
What does everyone who ever touched an AC adapter or connect to the coffee shop WiFi do? Set up a technology consulting company and charge premium dollar to sell bombast to the tech-illiterate, that's what. TMTB is happy to get in on that gravy train. Whether it's configuring a router, a heterogeneous distributed compute cluster, or your SFW Tumblr page, TMTB Ventures has you covered.
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A lot of creative writing and obvious bullshitting went into the creation of this site. While a majority, if not the entirety, of this site may be completely useless to you, a great amount of alcohol was consumed during the creation of it. As a result, there are certain nuggets of brilliance and original content that we have covered under the CC license.
Original content includes, but is not expressly limited to: photography/imagery, TMTB mythology and propaganda, quotes, and website source code. Of the original content categories listed above, you are welcome to use and abuse them so long as it is within the boundaries of our specific blend of the Creative Commons license. TMTB explicitly notes sources and credit when using content that is not original or derived and does so in accordance with the originator's content license.
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Don't steal from the Man. He will probably catch you.
Pay taxes to the Man. He has more guns than you do.
Don't do anything stupid.
Nickeck is a peaceful fellow.